I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
