You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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