i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
