dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
