OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
