the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
