just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
