I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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