I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
