Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
