I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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