Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
