My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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