Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
