Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
