I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
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