Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
