you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
