I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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