I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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