Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
