i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
