why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
