What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
