The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
