took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
