He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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