my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
