shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
