Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
