Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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