I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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