you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
