Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Randomize
