So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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