I can tuck mytits in my pants
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
