see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
being pregnant is like rehab
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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