i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's always time for handjobs
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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