Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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