What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
