And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
