Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
