everyone is single if you try hard enough
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
