I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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