go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
