matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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