What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Even the bartender felt bad for me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
