I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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