I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
