There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
